As I sit here relishing in the silence of sleeping babies and preoccupied children I toy with whether to clean or write my very first blog post. Well here I am, so we know the outcome of that impasse LOL. I also find myself asking WHY are you doing this Ashlee? Why are you adding blogging to your never ending list of shit to do? I still haven’t found the perfect answer to that question but I think it is a last ditch effort to preserve what is left of my sanity and it sounded fun! So I am just going to jump right in and in this first post welcome you to my world and my outlook on it. I will warn you sometimes I cuss, I may say things that might just offend you and if that is the case, sorry this isn’t the place for you. My personality is not one that sugar coats or holds back. I am sarcastic, opinionated, laid back, but yet a little high strung, I love to laugh and make others laugh, having fun is the key to staying alive and speaking what I think is sometimes a downfall but its just me!
1.Me before the stay at home mom: Before I got prego with our twins I never desired to stay at home with my kids (sorry). I was perfectly content working a 50 hour work week and doing the "mom thing" with the rest of my time. I loved the "working" version of myself, it made me feel like what I was doing with my life that was making a difference in the world. Did I feel guilty for working all the time and not spending that time with my kids? The answer: sometimes. I honestly feel like I was a better mom when I got out of the house and had "grown up interaction". The best way to explain it is there where two parts of me. The working me who was at times the bitchy boss who didn’t really care about the "reason" you didn’t get it done but cared THAT YOU DIDN’T GET IT DONE! I was always thinking about work 24/7, on my days off and vacations I would call to "check in" and would have employees calling with questions. This never sat well with my husband who hated my extreme dedication to my job. Then there was the mommy me, I think all working moms feel there is this division of themselves. I would do all the things other moms do, cook, clean, trips to the zoo, park, play dates and much more. Sure there where days I wanted to stay home but then I would snap out of it.
2. The NEW stay at home me: I am still trying to get to know this person, she is something else! She is so much more unorganized than I ever imagined, way more stressed than I ever was working but in some crazy way maybe just maybe I am a little happier. To make a VERY long story short we found out we where having twins the week after Thanksgiving 2010. The plan was to keep working and just have two more kids around, right?! Or so we thought. After an extremely rough pregnancy, 5 weeks spent on hospital bed rest missing Easter, Mothers day and My daughters 4th birthday party and twins being born two months early and spending a month in the NICU. I began to think about this going back to work plan as impossible. All of these thoughts flooded me into complete fear and anxiety. So with a lot of thought, tons of tears and number crunching my hubby and I decided that I would stay home. I have officially been a stay at home mom for 6 months (not counting maternity leave) and I still have NO CLUE what I am doing!
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