F*ck your vacation!

So let's start off by explaining that I am a run of the mill stay at home mom to four little girls (12, 7, and 3 yr old twins).  My biggest adventures in life include things like taking all FOUR kids to the grocery store, the drive thru line at Starbucks or if I am really feeling crazy, taking all Four said children to Play in public, like "GASP" a park! I am a rebel I know. So why is it that when I'm trolling along the great information highways of Facebook and instagram (because I'm not cool enough for vine, twitter, flicker, snap chat and all the other social media sites I have never heard of)  I die a little inside when I see all my friends photos of their amazing, tropical, history rich, breathtakingly expensive vacations? Now don't get me wrong you totally rock and so deserve to be there but man does my idea of a good time suck! I have been trying to plan a inexpensive, well let's call it what it is, CHEAP , getaway for my husband and I for weeks, months even. let's just say the destination pool is a little shallow. I mean come on we have four kids, two dogs and one income not like we can choose the Hamptons or Hawaii.  Sure if we saved for 100 years, fed our kids only top Ramen because damn can they eat and pretty much lived under a rock or possibly in a cardboard box, also presuming one of said children does not break some thing or someone could we maybe go to, maybe, Canada and not somewhere cool like Whistler but some sad little border town that no one has ever heard of. Spend one day then back to the crazy! So as I have been hanging out with my good old friend google searching things like "Places to take your husband", "man vacations", "cheap hotels" I am coming up with a couple problems. First google does not understand that "gentlemen's clubs" are not vacations, well maybe they are for some but not us nor would I be looking to book a "brocation" LOL. The other problem I have is my husband deciding what and where he wants to go do. First it was easy, a trip to a lake not too far from home but far enough away to feel a little freedom. We would fish and hike, enjoy the outdoors which I am all about, but then he says "why don't we stay one night there and then one night somewhere else?" So literally right before I click "book" on this awesome little cabin for 2 days I have to start all over again! Mind you it took us quite a bit agree to go to this place, now I have to start looking again! So first problem I had was the lake requires a two night stay so that ruled that destination out, now since we decided to change this less than two weeks prior to our departure date it felt like everything was booked and the places that weren't he had no interest in going to. Now lets back up a bit, we haven't been on a weekend getaway since our middle daughter who is almost 8 was an infant! Sure occasionally we ship the kids off to my parents house for a night so we can see a movie or have dinner but that barely enough time for the ringing in my ears to stop LOL. So its fair to say I am about as excited as a kid on Christmas morning going to Disneyland riding a unicorn! Then he says it, the phrase I have been terrified of hearing "Well why don't we just stay home and hang out here, we can go fishing and see a movie" NOOOOOOOO!! He just cancelled my Christmas, burned down Disneyland and shot my Unicorn! Sounds silly I know but you have no idea how badly I was looking forward to this getaway. It is what gets me through my days, the one thing I have had to look forward to and that's it? Oh no I am not giving up that easily, so we compromised to go away for one night and that was a stretch on its own. We will still be kidless as planned but all I get is one night away. Some of you might be confused as why is it such a big deal? When we are home it is so easy to get sucked into our normal routine, house work, yard work, etc.... I want to reconnect, to be forced to spend time together, to get out of this rut we are in of  kids, work, cleaning, laundry etc... If you are a parent you understand why, you are so focused on everything but your partner and making time for each other becomes something put on the back burner. You have the best of intentions to do something with each other but lets face it something always comes up. I see everyone's awesome photos and try to imagine us sitting on tropical beach somewhere, exploring the ruins of a forgotten about civilization, fishing in Alaska or about 100 other things that come to mind. But the truth is I kind of feel like I am the only one excited about this trip. Now normally if my husband is going somewhere he is excited about he talks about it all the time, even business trips but I feel like I have to pull the enthusiasm out of him. I tried not to pick a place that is boring or a total chick fest, I pick a lodge like hotel with a kick ass bar and restaurant and a hot tub, who doesn't want to drink and go in a hot tub. Its even harder to find a place when you don't get any input other than "oh", "cool , "yea" , "I don't know" .... So my plan is to do my happy mom dance all day, get everyone packed for their destination and if he is still not into it drink my entire bottle of complementary wine (which is the best in the world, since I have already been to this resort with one of my besties)  and have my own party! So this weekend getaway might not be Aruba, Tahiti, Mt. Everest or Disneyland on Christmas morning riding a unicorn but its two nights without interrupted conversation, no temper tantrums, sibling drama or all the other joys of parenting but its what we have and I have every intention to enjoy the hell out of it! 

Blogging; Because its cheaper than therapy

Today I am finished, done, fed up, completely over this thing called motherhood and there's nothing I can do about it. So here I sit annoyed, frustrated, angry secretly wishing my children had some kind of return policy or better yet some sort of "off button". Are my girls bad kids? No actually they are pretty darn good children except for the fact I am sure they are undercover Al-Qaeda operatives sent here with one mission to break me down to a pile of nothing, and today they are close. Lets face the facts there are FOUR of them and one of me and they run like a well oiled machine of terror. Me on the other hand, in my previous life I was a successful career woman who was always looking for the next challenge. Now I am a stay at home mom who is lucky to get a shower every two days, sleeping on the floor of my2 year old twins room, which mind you is an upgrade from the living room floor where I spent a good year and a half sleeping, I'm lucky if I get to eat the crust off someone's sandwich for my only meal of the day and spend my days doing the same chores over and over and over again which I'm pretty sure if the definition of INSANITY! Did I mention I am a broken record? I say the same few phrases "stop... hitting, biting, kicking, punching, etc.... your sister", "because I asked you to", and my favorite "NO". The funny thing is everyday when I wake up there is a glimmer of hope that my girls will behave, listen, do what they are told and that I won't have to yell not once that day, but that never happens. I ask my self frequently "Am I just a bad mom?", "Am I doing something wrong?" honestly I don't know anymore. I do all the things mom are supposed to do, I take my kids to do things, I play with them, I reward them for their accomplishments, blah blah blah, but at the end of the day I am stuck feeling like I totally suck at this mom thing. I just don't get it, people say "oh cherish these years, they are over before you know it" I'm sure that is true but man I am sure trying to enjoy it and well with less than favorable results. I can't be the only person that feels like this, there has got to be other moms that feel like failures, yell at their kids, are treated like a doormat..... Or maybe that is motherhood. You just signed up to be used, abused and thrown out. Who knows, is it worth it? I would like to think so, for those awesome moments you get to witness, IE: first steps, first words, holding your grandchild for the first time and everything in between. Hopefully I'm not as horrible of a mother as I feel I am and I don't totally screw up my kids. Only time will tell, but the only thing time is telling right now is that it must be time for a stiff drink or a one way ticket to the cuckoos nest!

The bad mom's club

So I decided to start a club for bad moms, wanna join? Its free to join and if you meet any of the below criteria we have a place for you! You don't have to be a bad mom all the time you can be like me, a part time bad mom. I'm sick of all these face book groups that put these over achieving moms on a damn pedestal. Well I've had enough and I'm calling bull shit on all of it. You mean to tell me you are perfect all the time? You NEVER feed your children anything other than certified organic food? They never watch TV? You never yell or even raise your voice? Your house is always clean and you make all foods, drinks and condiments from scratch? Yea I'm calling BULLSHIT, and if you are actually doing all these things all the time I want some of the drugs you are on that make that possible. Hey don't get me wrong I am all for doing everything you can for your kids, but I am tired of women making other women feel like shit for not being perfect. The moms that make you feel like an asshole because you let your kids have a happy meal or watch some Disney channel. Well those moms need not apply to my club because this club is for those of us who live in reality and who believe it or not make mistakes, aren't perfect and guess what.. Our kids turn out just fine!

1. If you have ever let you kids eat fast food, candy, sugary drinks or "gasp" non-organic fruits or veggies there's a place for you!

2. If you have ever turned on the TV to use as a distraction to do any or all of the following; take a shower, use the bathroom alone, clean, talk on the phone, read a book, cook or even not to do a damn thing but breath, there's a place for you!

3. If you have ever not felt like making breakfast/lunch/dinner and godforbid went through a drive-thru, made hamburger helper or any other boxed, frozen or otherwise processed food, there's a place for you!

4. If you have ever let your kids eat some form of junk food before breakfast because you where sick of fighting with them, there's a place for you!

5. If you have ever pretended you didn't hear or see some form of sibling rivalry take place because you just don't feel like dealing with it for the 300th time that day, there's a place for you! 

6. If you have ever yelled at your kids more than you would like to admit for things that aren't even worth yelling about because your nerves are so shot from the repeated drama in your house? There's a place for you!

7. If you have ever thrown away something of your child's, felt like shit afterwards so you lied about it? IE: No honey I have no idea what happened to your annoying little toy from Mc Donalds you got with your happy meal lunch, maybe its in your room", there's a place for you!

8. If you have ever told your kid they where being rude, mean, a brat or any other negative term used to describe their behavior? There's a place for you!

9. If you have ever not cleaned some part of your house because you just didn't feel like it, IE: your kitchen with the sink over flowing with dishes, the laundry that sits in a pile higher than you or maybe a bathroom with a dirty toilet, tub or sink. There's a place for you!

10. If you have ever answered a question or an objection with "because I said so" because you either didn't want to argue or didn't really have a good reason behind your answer, there's a place for you!

So if you are a part time bad mom like me and are guilty of any or all of the above, join me in telling all those "Over achievers" to fuck off! We are good moms no matter what mistakes someone else might find appalling because it doesn't fit their version of perfect. Last time I checked there wasn't a manual that came with this job, it is more of a "fly by the seat of your pants gig". I am sick of feeling like just because I am not a picture of the perfect Stay at home mom that always has everything done, has an immaculate house and never makes a mistake. Feel free to add your ideas in the comments and they might just make the list! Be proud we bad mommas are pretty kick ass!! LOL

What a shitty day

Ever had one of those days when you wish you could just go back to bed and start over? Well I'm living that today. I try to stay away from posting too much negative, poor me pity posts on Facebook but my blog is a totally different story :) So here it goes. After pretty much a sleepless night thanks to a baby that all of a sudden doesn't understand the concept of extended periods of sleep. I awake to my back hurting like a son of a bitch from a combination of sleeping on the floor with said non sleeping baby and sharing my not big enough bed with her and my husband. As I stumble out of bed resembling a character from the Walking Dead moaning and groaning from lack of sleep and pain I am greeted by the one thing I look most forward to in the morning, my coffee (thank god for auto brew!). I think that joyous moment has been and will be the best part of this day. But even that was short lived when the crazy energized baby jumped on me and spilled it all over myself and the couch. After cleaning my couch and myself baby number two decided to take her diaper off and run from me around the living room squealing with enjoyment as I chase her in attempt to put a new diaper on. Keep in mind I have only had one sip of coffee so far and running is not quite the activity I had in mind for 6:45am. Now insert the horrible listening from my five year old as she tells me "your getting on my nerves" and temper tantrums from the twins, its enough to make your eyes and ears bleed. Now I know some of you might be thinking how trivial this all is and your right! When I was part of the working world I would dread going to work some days. I would sit there wishing I could just stay home with my kids and not have to deal with both working and home responsibilities, crazy me I thought being home would be easier... RIGHT! Days like today almost send me running back to work! Now I am not starting a debate over who has it harder SAHM or working moms but I can tell you sometimes this gig sucks! Any parent has their moments and today is mine, I swear if I have to say "put your sister down" one more time to my 5yr old or break up another biting fest between the twins I might just go insane. To top it off my house is a shit hole even tho all I did yesterday is clean, I have more loads of laundry to fold than I will admit publicly and that wonderful coffee I MADE my damn husband drank it all and I only got one F*cking cup! As I sit here thinking of the fact I have to still take my 5yr old to school, figure out something for dinner, clean the house AGAIN, get the laundry finished (all of this to do with fighting, crying babies and a 5yr old that wont listen to a damn thing I say) and the most dreaded part of my day, a Parent teacher conference with my 5th graders teacher today at 3:45 which I specifically requested after 5:30 so I could have my hubby skip it to watch the kids, has now turned into a mobile three ring circus that will probably cause me to have an anxiety attack and have the teacher thinking about early retirement. Days like to day make me wish I was still working outside the home, thank god days like tomorrow will remind me why I stay home, if not tomorrow maybe a day in the near future :) End rant... for now 

I'm back .....to school??

So I must apologize for my longer than normal summer break. After carpel tunnel surgery it was a tad hard to type and lets just be real, I got lazy! So here we are the end of summer and a few short weeks into the school year. I find myself torn, a little sad that what small amount of good weather and summer fun has again came to an end but then the other "me" the SAHM is doing back flips and cheering get them back in school and out of my hair! Don't lie you know you all feel that way even if its just a little bit. Gone are the summers of yesteryear when we where the carefree little shits running wild, sleeping until 2 in the afternoon, floating the river with our only care being finding a way to con more money out of our parents. Now those wonderful moments have been replaced with play dates, zoo trips, sunscreen, oh shit I forgot the snacks, why the hell is everything so expensive and trying to magically make more money appear in your bank account to pay for all the stuff your kids want to do, which by the way never happens! Now it is time for school clothes, lunch bags, school supplies and WHY the hell is everything so expensive welcome back school. I would love to say I am one of those OAMs (over achieving moms) that comes to drop her kids off at school looking like she just walked off the runway, Nope I'm the one wearing my sweatshirt, ugg boots and if I am feeling fancy a pair of jeans. Oh and lets not forget my sunglasses, those things are on even when the sun is not out like I am going to apply make up to take my kids to school, right...